"Is it me or do you keep falling for our tricks?!"

I wanted to write something, but I didn’t feel brave enough to write it on social media. I didn’t feel brave enough to deal with the backlash of whatever it was that I wrote. Which I knew was going to be rather personal and emotional to me. I wasn’t feeling like I was strong enough to have a voice on social media. I’m dreadful on social media at the best of times. I must be the most socially awkward person on social media! It’s not that I don’t get it or don’t like it. It’s just the fact that I’ve recently realised that I don’t much care for the drama of it all. Invisibility is a superpower you know.

But of recent I’ve wanted to say something. To use my voice. To express the passions that I have. And then I felt stifled. I had the tweets composed in my head. I was just finding the courage to post, and then bam, it hit me that the time for posting this might have gone. That it would be like a bomb that went with a fizzle rather than a bang.

I was going to write it out here, but seeing it in black and white made me fearful for the backlash on my blog. Which I happily sit behind a DC character who, albeit a bit crazy I do actually find empowering in her own crazy batshit way.

The point to this post, I feel, is that I need to get back into the craziness that is blog writing. That my Chromebook sits in the corner of my home with a new Zoom background, that I’m to be setting up this week. Weirdly looking forward to it because it involves a lot of fairy lights!

I don’t need to put myself out there. I don’t need to social media myself. So to speak. I do far better in the 3D world than I do in the looks do matter 2D world. I need to get back to prioritising and sometimes compartmentalising my life.

It’s been a bit of time since I last wrote something here, that wasn’t about Ben Stiller liking my tweet! I recently had a bit of a nostalgia hit when Netflix put on Reality Bites. That film changed my life when it came out in the 90’s. And he directed it. So I said in said tweet that if I ever met him, after i had stopped fangirling, that I would thank him for it. And for the last 20minutes I’ve just been fangirling about the fact that he liked my tweet! Dread to think what I would have been like if I had actually said that to his face.

So this whole Covid situation is still a bit of a thing. Which is kind of draining now. Draining because it’s become natural to live like this. Scared of an unseen force that has the possibility to torture and kill. Not liking it. They opened up non-essential shops the other day. But I was thinking that all those non-essential things would and probably have been brought from their online shop. Failing that there’s Amazon.

Something ever bigger than Covid happened in the past few months. Something worth protesting about. And when I say big I mean history-altering big. Not sweep under the carpet big. This is change-the-scheme, alter-the-mood, electrify-all-the-boys-and-girls-if-you-would-be-so-kind kind of a big deal. [That’s a Castor (Michael Sheen) from Tron Legacy quote by the way.] I feel like however that deserves a post of it’s own, rather than be in the midst of a catch up with everything post, so I shall get that done in the next few days. [I hope!]

That’s it. Just that.

I discovered a couple of days ago that I was breaking the rules. Not that this bothered me too much as I didn’t realise exactly what the rules were! I’m not talking Socially Distancing here as that’s been a staple of my life since the end of February. I’m talking about “accidentally” meeting up with someone and going for a walk whilst Socially Distancing. The majority of the time I have indeed Stayed Home, but cabin fever gets to me and so I broke the rules! I “met” up with friends.

In fairness to me I’ve been quite bad at understanding the rhetoric with all of this. I’ve tried my best with it all, I really have. I get the basics, and I do the basics. Washing your Hands. Socially Distancing. Shielding. Furlough. Etc Etc. What I don’t get is what I’m supposed to be doing when I go out. Yes I know it’s exercise and walking. But if I see one of my friends out doing exact same thing then I’m not going to blatantly ignore them. It’s far safer for me to walk into town, this takes approx an hour, with someone than it is to take public transport or to go on my own. Dodgy areas of town have to be walked through. Nice parts as well but dodgy ones are more nerve-wracking. Plus I would probably get lost on my own!

And I’m quire sure there was a rule that said no gatherings of more than 2.

So to make me feel bad for mental health and physical health at risk is not something I kind of like. I’ll go up my allotment. I’ll spend more than the allowed 30minutes of exercise because no one I know spends just 30minutes at their allotment! Besides it’s one of the best places to socially distance!

[Side note: Yes I am taking Covid-19 seriously. It’s just far easier for me to not take it too seriously because then I will just make myself unwell, which in turn leads to health conditions that are caused by stress, which in turn leads to a lower immune system to fight said disease with. And those stats they roll out every day now have faces of people I knew, and if that isn’t enough to get someone to take this seriously then I don’t know what is.]

In other news: I have discovered many a new nature pathway for walking down and enjoying.

I should get real life serious for a bit.

There’s been some crazy shit going down of recent. Shit that no one could make up, and if they do dream of it then by hell that’s some kind of nightmare. No film or video game has even come close to this reality.

So there’s this virus. It started at one end of the world, realised it wasn’t welcome there and left its mark before hitching a ride on someone heading to another country, left its mark and then realised it wasn’t welcome there either. This carried on until said virus had conquered an extremely concerning percentage the world. But then it realised that everywhere it went that people went all they wanted to do was get rid of it. Kick it out. Eradicate it. Consign it to the history bins. One thing for certain is that said world would never be the same again. And this virus’ name would be known as Covid-19. Coronavirus to most but Covid for short.

And it kills people.

[Side note: You have to feel sorry for Corona beer. This must be the worst type of marketing for them!]

So how did people react to Covid at first when it looked like it would be coming here? Toilet roll. Toilet roll, paracetamol, pasta and handwashing items panic buying. It was when personally I realised that I thought maybe I should pay attention to this more, as I picked up a 4pack just in case in a few weeks time I would need some.

Then the rumours at work started that the over 70’s would be in some sort of lockdown. This posed a bit of a problem for me, I wondered, as this was mentioned to me whilst volunteering at a cancer centre. My volunteering colleagues all happened to be above said age. Bar one who would be said age in 3 months time. So I would be doing more work than usual, that was do-able. I could do that.

That evening when said rumour was a bit of a reality I discovered that not only was it over 70’s, but those whom suffer from respiratory health issues. Now this posed a bit of a problem as this included me. The next few days I spent stocking up for an undetermined amount of time of not knowing. This was approximately over 4 weeks ago but my God does it feel like far longer!

Social distancing wasn’t too big of a problem for me because it’s something I like to incorporate into my life anyway. I’m very particular about who I let into that 2metre space around me. But shit started really getting serious when things started getting cancelled. Then the Government decided that talking to us was a good idea.

The real heroes of all of this however are those that have kept the country going. Those who work on the frontline, facing watching lonely deaths everyday. Those keeping us alive and our health in check. Those who get things delivered and distributed around the country. Those that inform us. Those that manage to get the post to us. Those that take the time out to stack food shelves and then in turn serve us. And we appreciate them by in turn clapping for a good 5minutes every Thursday evening. It feels like such a small gesture in comparison to what all these amazing people do for us but to see how it does affect those amazing people in those roles you realise how the world would just stop without them.

And the reason for this particular post… I learned that Covid had taken a friend of mine yesterday. She was someone I had done a course with back in February but she had taken me under her wing. The last time I saw her I said I hoped to see her soon. They feel like really pathetic words now.

I also learned that Covid had taken a family friend whom I wasn’t close to.

And I learned Covid had taken someone whom a friend had been a carer for. She was autistic but I can’t even begin to understand the loneliness and confusion that she must have felt. She liked hugging people. She couldn’t understand why no one wanted to hug her in return.

That broke my heart.

So now shit got personal. This time last week it wasn’t personal, but now those numbers of deaths, some of them have faces of people who I care about.

Not only is it now personal, but it is more realer than any reality.

Absolutely not ok with self isolation at the moment. Totally understandable I decided. But I also decided that maybe this could be a good thing. Maybe I could figure out stuff better. Get the life on the track it’s supposed to be on. That’s if it is even off track.

It’s apparently a fact that Isaac Newton discovered stuff that is now deemed important whilst on quarantine. Optics, gravity. That type of thing.

No pressure then!

Social distancing does sound like the most pretentious phrase however. Like someone is pretending to be posh but failing desperately miserably. I say sound like because it sounds like someone is trying to be pretentious.

Social distancing. That implies that you’re a social person in the first place.

The distancing part. That needs a bit more of a narrowing down. Excuse the measurement pun.

On the potential upside of this unsociable time. I actually might spend more time on this Something I have been meaning to do for awhile. Blogging is pretty much the least messy version of journaling really if you’re clever enough and understand things enough. Technologically. It doesn’t help if you’re a self confessed technophobe.

Anyways in these uncertain times, although lets be honest, there’s only one certainty with all of this in this particular country at this particular time, and that’s social distancing, self isolation, quarantine, lockdown… whatever you want to call it.

Personally I like it to be called quarantine!

Today is apparently the most depressing day. Blue Monday. I get that. I totally get that. I woke up this morning feeling like there were tears behind my eyes. I went into work and discovered there actually were tears behind my eyes.

Then there were no tears. They went. And I asked for help. Because sometimes that’s just what you need to do rather than keep it all inside.

You’ll go a little crazy otherwise.

I used to do a lot of writing. I used to write for Harry Potter RP on Tumblr and Twittah. I was pretty good at it as well. I don’t miss it, but I do miss writing. Hence the blog. But instead of hiding behind a character whilst writing for them, I’m just me. Still hiding but not hiding behind another characters emotions.

I’ve got braver over the years.

I’ve also been in a lot of therapy. It seems to have worked which is what’s been so helpful in making me braver.

It’s been a bit like that for me, the writer of Harlee Quinn.

Yes we know. I’m not exactly Harley herself. That’s why I’m Harlee. Just the odd difference can make every difference to be honest with you.

Just like Harley herself, my Mista J is gone and dusted. Bad news is bad news. Bad choices are mistakes to be learnt from. And then you get the fabulous emancipation!

I reinvented myself.

I didn’t exactly cut my hair. I changed my diet. I became a far more fabulous version of myself than I have ever been before. I changed my outlook. I changed literally everything. I got rid of all the evidence that had anything to do with my past.

Including my old CD collection. Well there’s no point in keeping it all when everything these days is just a download away.

Onwards and upwards.

Relearning whom I am has been an eye-opening awesome experience. I’ve learned stuff about me that I never could have imagined.

And people like me, they really like me!